Self-sabotage is the #1 anxiety reliever for millennial women.
Self-sabotage is the fear that our best isn’t good enough, so in order to avoid this anxiety and potential disappointment, we choose to freeze, stall, neglect, forget, and delay ourselves.
Even for me, I almost didn’t write this article. I almost sabotaged a perfectly good opportunity to be seen, heard & connected with. All things I actually want and desire, but another strange part of me simultaneously fears.
This is something many of us don’t like to admit. A lot of us sabotage the fruition of our own dreams because we fear the person we would have to become in order to live them.
Whether its fear of judgement, looking stupid, failing at something we love, or not feeling “good enough”, we often struggle to get out of our own way.
Self-sabotage occurs when your conscious mind (the logical one that tells you to brush your teeth or download all of SZA’s music) is fighting with your subconscious mind (the lazy one that accidentally sleeps through your alarm or scrolls on Instagram for hours to avoid homework or cleaning your room).
That disconnect -that clash of needs and wants- manifests itself in self-sabotaging behavior. Getting drunk the day before a big presentation, forgetting to reply to emails, not planning a busy day properly, missing submission deadlines for a competition you know you’d be great for, the list goes on!
It’s all our subconscious way of preventing disappointment and coping with fear.
Even though I’ve been a fashion model for 4 years now, owning my passion at first was often uncomfortable for me. I felt awkward when people asked me if I was a model and wanted to quickly minimize my achievements. I’ve been published in Vogue Italy and featured in Maxim USA’s web series called ‘What Beautiful Women Want’, before all that I competed in a beauty pageant and that’s where I got my start.
Not owning your story is also a form of self-sabotage.
I didn’t want people to know about my talents or aspirations because I feared that I would have to prove myself and not measure up. Or if I failed, more eyes would be on me and I’d feel more embarrassed.
But in reality, who are we not to express our highest, creative selves? Who are we to not share our light, beauty, or truth, especially when others notice it and want to support or celebrate it?
Over the past few years I’ve reviewed my own self-sabotaging patterns and worked hard to call them out and change my subconscious beliefs. I used the power of self-love to claim my right to shine!
Now when I catch any habits of the Sabotage Squad sneaking into my life, I clap back & ask them to take a seat while I go forward & be great!
So, what does it really take to move in the direction of your dreams, without all the internal drama?
Here are 3 Self-Love Secrets from a former Self-Sabotaging Beauty Queen:
- Find yourself.
To begin to make progress, it’s important that you find the areas where you are practicing self-sabotage. Look at the various areas of your life, such as finances, health, career and relationships. Determine which areas you need to kick the sabotage squad of out of.
- Choose to accept or change yourself.
Accept that you’re afraid of success! It means you that you really do care about your future. But then sit with your fears for a minute.
Can you live with not having your dreams come true? Will your family and friends actually dislike you if you pursue your passion? Maybe you’ll find your tribe as you pursue your goals, maybe you really are great photographer, writer, event planner and the world is just waiting for you to show up!
Thankfully, fears are not fixed. Start to question the actuality of your fears. Or accept that you’re scared and prefer to stay safe. That’s okay too! Accept that you’re not ready, but do your best to get ready!
- Love yourself & courageously commit to change.
Now that you’ve changed your beliefs around your fears, summon up all the courage within you and commit to pursuing your goals drama-free. Write your to-do list and love yourself enough to move in the direction of your dreams, one step at a time.
These steps have helped me remove mental blocks and get a hold of my self-sabotaging patterns. I know it’s so much easier to play small sometimes. To continuously quit before even trying. To squander our talents and procrastinate.
We ruin our chances at success and happiness by not raising our hands, speaking up, showing up, and sharing our unique brilliance with the world.
Our anxieties and fears might be temporarily alleviated by self-sabotage, but practicing self-love is the cure that allows us to show up on time fearlessly for our dreams.
To your self-love and happiness,
Self-Love & Confidence Coach