In the past few years, the dating world has shifted significantly with the evolution of technology and society. People often meet and get to know one another online, making the progression of relationships is more fluid than ever. No two relationships have the same storyline, but most modern couples, i see, tend to be embracing individuality to strengthen trust and the bond with their partners. Self-empowerment is important for the wellbeing of modern relationships because knowing yourself better than anyone else, allows you to identify what you do and do not want out of a relationship. Taking the time to know yourself and what you are looking for will make you feel confident and ready to build a meaningful relationship with someone else. To celebrate this new wave of relationship styles, we’ve compiled a few ways that showcase how crucial self-empowerment is in modern relationships.
1. Embrace Being Single
- One thing that modern individuals are celebrating these days is self-love and embracing the single life. While older generations held the notion that marriage was the ultimate goal, young people nowadays have other accomplishments they’re focusing on in their twenties and thirties. From professional to personal goals, people of newer generations realize there is great power in making themselves happy and fulfilling whatever goals drive them. Some individuals are now utilizing their time as singles to set a list of “deal breakers” in preparation for prospective relationships down the line. These deal breakers serve as a list of core values that must exist in a partner in order to make the relationship worth it. These individuals argue that loving themselves first and fulfilling their personal goals will allow them to be better partners once they do enter a relationship.
2. Share Roles & Responsibilities in Relationships
- There’s no denying that this is the generation of distance. While it’s great that everyone prioritizes their independence, it does make open communication more important than ever before. Make your relationship stronger by starting an open dialogue about your expectations for your partner and what roles you plan to share. Directly resulting from the practice of fulfilling personal goals first, it is more common than ever for partners to contribute financially, emotionally and physically around the house. While past generations typically functioned with a wife cooking and cleaning with her husband off at work, there is now a trend of both partners contributing to housework and breadwinning equally. Following this same idea, modern couples are also making big financial decisions and purchases together at all stages of the relationship. From moving in together and splitting rent, to buying a home or starting a family, contemporary couples seem to enjoy the freedom that comes along with taking relationship steps at their own pace. The lack of societal expectations to do things in a certain order allows these couples to talk openly about their financial goals, and prioritize accordingly. But as always, communication is key and talking openly about your wants and goals can help alleviate disagreements down the line.
3. Make Big Decisions Together
- Not only are modern couples talking about financial decisions together, but they also tend to discuss their futures more openly than past generations ever have. Every relationship and every individual is a little different, and discussing the order of events in which you want your relationship to take is crucial for your future together. There is less societal pressure directing the order of events for couples, and no order is right or wrong as long as it is what feels best to both for your relationship. Modern couples also are contributing equally to these decisions, from browsing online for engagement rings together to fully understand one another styles, to planning the wedding together to ensure it encompasses both of your personalities.
It is important to have self-empowerment in a relationship because it allows you to get in touch with your inner self and have the confidence to grow as an individual. This is not to say that you shouldn’t share the many aspects of your life with your significant other, but do keep in mind that your personal well-being is a top priority.
As a mother of a now 15-month old, I can count on one hand the times I’ve set aside time for myself and my wellbeing. With all the talk on self-care, it’s often the smallest things that make a world of difference. Raising a child is no easy task and depending on your own situation and the thought of self-care may be somewhat fleeting. Sometimes, my self-care looks like spending 15 minutes to actually enjoy a favorite meal instead of inhaling it in seconds, and other times it’s having hubby watch the baby for all of 5 minutes so I can finish some last minute cleaning or cooking. Feeling sexy and attractive is often a last thought when you have a little one who is dependent on you. For me, having an almost exclusively breastfed and co-sleeping toddler, taking time out to get sexified as a form of self-care doesn’t really translate as well as I hope. Being and feeling sexy is more about confidence and you’re your state of mind than what you have or don’t have on. When I look good, I feel good and for many days out of the week, my hair ain’t done, nails haven’t been done and mama’s sexy style is someone underneath the never-ending laundry pile. There are many days when I feel like I’m a million bucks and this feeling seeps through how I look and behave throughout the day.
As a wife of a college coach, I absolutely love game days. I love to watch basketball and the entire atmosphere of experiencing a live game puts me in a heavenly mood. I use game days as my excuse to put on some fresh threads and makeup, rock my trusted twist out and socialize with a few friends. Game days have always been part of my self-care routine and a part of bringing my sexy back. A big part of self-care for me is looking and feeling good.
There is nothing better than being able to cheer on the home team while looking cute. Most of my self-care routines revolve around game day. Whether it’s dining out after the game, celebrating a win with a much-deserved cheat meal, or socializing with friends and family, game days allow me to break free from the day to day routine of motherhood and being a wife. When it comes to living a coach’s wife’s life and being a first-time mom, self-care can take on many forms. Game days are my way of stepping out confidently and reenergizing myself so I’m at my best for baby and hubby.
How many of you have said this at least once in your life?
“I really wanted to [insert task], but I just didn’t have the time.”
“Gosh, there just isn’t enough time in the day.”
“Gosh, there just isn’t enough time in the day.”
“How has an hour passed already, now, I don’t have time to do [insert task].”
I’m most certainly guilty of it. Time just seems like that train we try so hard to catch and just never seem to make. Too often, we waste precious time thinking about the time we don’t have or the time we’re losing.
We all have the same amount of time in the day: 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds. Don’t believe what people say, Beyoncé, Oprah and Bill Gates have the same amount of time in the day as you!
The good news?
You know this time will (most likely) never change, so once you’ve mastered it, you’ll pretty much be unstoppable!
Now, for some people, they have enough resources to delegate tasks and free up space to be more productive at what they excel at. For others, such as myself, we are a one-woman show. We have more time than money to get the job done so it’s about prioritizing and completing the most important tasks first, leaving the rest for later.
Regardless of whether you’re a CEO with the ability to hire multiple assistants or just one person with time but no money to outsource, try these three game-changers to help you maximize the time in your day:
1. Make a semi-permanent list of 5, 10, 15, 20, 30-minute interval tasks
For the month of July and August, you’re cat-sitting or going to the cottage so whenever you have 10 minutes free, you can vacuum your carpet or clean the kitty litter bin. This helps limit the time wasted just thinking about what can be done. Simply referring to the list and getting started will enhance your productivity!
2.Give yourself permission to delegate tasks.
You may be a one-woman show, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your younger sibling to pick up the dry-cleaning, go grocery shopping, or mail some letters to clients.
3. Rest and recharge.
This really is the most important one. You, my friend, are doing incredible work! Without you at your optimal performance level, it falls apart! Therefore, take time for your self-care, ensure that you protect at least an hour a day for you, whatever that looks like: meditation, mindfulness, journaling or an at-home spa day.
Time is the most important thing we have, and the one thing we can never get back, make the most of it!
So you’ve got a broken heart…
I’m really, really sorry that you’re in a state of emotional pain. But… I’m equally hopeful for you & what’s ahead, so please hang in tight & hold onto you.
I’d like to remind you that it’s completely normal to fall in love with someone & realize that this person is not FOR you, or going to stay with you forever. Whether it’s because you two are incompatible, an act of betrayal occurred, or you simply fell apart. Regardless of which end of the break up you’re on – Dumpee or Dumped, your pain matters and your feelings are valid.
When I went through my own break-ups, I remember it being a very stressful time. My life seemingly changed overnight and I had to re-route myself, navigate awkward social settings, and throw away all future plans with this person. Breakups can be so stressful and painful, I can 100% relate to the turmoil you’re experiencing.
From someone who has dealt with The Break-Up Bug and recovered from its sting stronger each time, I want to advise you on how to deal with all the tears, fears, & confusion you may be going through.
This is what I wish someone would have told me when I was in my mess of emotions. (PS – Some tough love ahead <3)
Your heart is actually being broken open.
As all the devastation, pain & grief pours out of you, please know that there is so much love, harmony & peace about to pour back into your life, if you wait & allow it.
Do not close off your heart from the world because someone else was careless with it. Do your best to be open your heart up to new experiences, relationships, and friendships! Trust that if you were able to love the wrong person, imagine how much love you could give & receive to the RIGHT person.
A broken heart is not your destination in life.
But it IS a one of a kind lesson & opportunity only you can learn from.
The sadness from a broken-heart is really like no other sadness, right? You very well still have feelings for this person and now must face a life without them.
When my 5-year relationship came to a final end, I remember it feeling like I was learning to walk again figuratively speaking. Re-learning how to do life on my own and deal with the fact that I’m now single again.
It’s okay to still care for your ex, but it’s not okay to let the end of the relationship affect your mental or physical health. Many of us turn to numbing the pain with ____ (fill in the blank) but in doing so, we avoid the lessons we’re really meant to be learning.
No relationship is worth your health or your life. Your broken heart, or the depression you may be experiencing, is not your destination in life. Try to look at the break-up as a bridge your meant to cross in order to live a better life and find a person more suitable for you.
Grieve my child, grieve.
I encourage grieving. You have to TAKE TIME to process all that’s just happened and what you’re feeling. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably re-read old text messages, replayed fights and arguments in your head and overanalyzed the start, middle & end of your relationship. That’s okay but don’t get stuck there.
What’s important to know is that the pain you’re feeling, the reality of the sadness that comes from losing someone who held a special place in your heart, is a very authentic experience to YOU.
There are 5 stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.
You will absolutely zig & zag through the grieving stages. Getting over a break-up doesn’t always happen in a straight line. Even for myself, years after my first relationship, I can sometimes still feel the sadness from the day he confessed his infidelity, but I’ve accepted the situation and remain grateful for what it’s taught me about myself & life.
Your ex will always be a chapter in your story but they are not the whole book; be grateful for your moment in time together but move on hun, because you deserve happiness, too.
There’s help and support available from professionals if things become too dark for too long.
List & utilize your support system.
I’m guilty of being that girl that neglects her friends and family when she gets romantically involved with someone. It happens to the best of us but ultimately it’s not a wise thing to do.
When the romantic relationship is no longer standing, it’s very sobering to realize your other relationships haven’t been given much attention.
A break-up is an opportunity to get back in touch with the people who bring out the best in you & remind you how lovable you are.
Write in the Notes on your phone the names of your 5 closest friends/family.
Beside each name, jot down how that person can help you get through the breakup or just things you’ve been meaning to do with them. It’s good to remind yourself that other people still love & need you. This is what mine looked like:
Mom – reflection, wisdom, crying
Sister – crying, shit-talking (lol do what you gotta do to heal amirighttt?!)
Julia & Brittney – encouragement, girls night outs, adventures
Deo – pep talks, laughter, advice
Bernard – laughter, encouragement
Engage with the people on your list immediately & let them know where you are in your heartache. Be vulnerable with them. I told my support system that I needed them to check up on me every now & then and in doing so, I also became a bigger part of their support system, too.
Confront feelings of guilt, rejection or anger.
I remember being pretty pissed off when my ex-broke up with me.
Like, really, you’re trying to leave allll of thisss?!
If you’re the one being broken up with:
Remember, what feels like rejection, is truly re-direction.
I thank God that that relationship didn’t work out, even though at the time, I wanted so badly for us to go the distance. Understand that the person initiating the break-up only has 1 life to live, and so do you. With that said, know that there is NOTHING wrong with you. And if the person breaks up with you in a nasty way, then it’s even clearer that you are not the problem.
Sometimes people end up not being compatible or their needs change. Example: Oil & Water don’t mix – it doesn’t mean that Oil is useless and Water has no purpose. Oil must let Water find the element it mixes well with and Water must let go & vice versa.
If you’re the one who initiated the break up:
You may be experiencing guilt. You understand that you’ve changed the dynamics of the relationship by no longer being willing to participate romantically or even at all. Your needs aren’t being met and you’re doing what feels like a favour, but it can still be hard not to feel horrible. These feelings will pass but in the meantime…
Be as kind, yet firm as possible! Set boundaries that enforce the new dynamic you wish to have.
I’m also guilty of breaking up with boyfriends then letting them back into my life or bedroom afterward. Don’t play yourself. This isn’t healthy & prolongs the grieving/healing process.
Don’t let the bitterness spoil your sweetness.
Be empowered & know you are in fact loveable. That fact that the relationship happened at all proves you’re a desirable person. What you felt was real, the affection exchanged was real. Your love is good, & the type of love you give is worthy of a good lover! Read that sentence twice so it seeps in.
Have compassion for yourself. The one thing I would tell myself during my experience is “Just be better for the next one”. Because honestly, there are 7 billion people on this planet…. you WILL find love again. Better yourself, grow from this, & continue to be the sweet loving person that you are.
Reflect, then Release (Repeat often).
Why did the breakup happen? I got asked this question a lot and as often as I’d say “We just weren’t getting along”, the truth is, there are always reasons why things don’t work out. Perfectly normal reasons.
Key point: Reason doesn’t mean blame. It takes two to tango & it takes two to not work out. Take accountability for your actions, strengths & shortcomings in the relationship. Maybe you need to be more trusting in future relationships, maybe he wasn’t emotionally available, maybe the two of you were too young; whatever the case – take time to reflect on how things broke down, what you know about yourself NOW & what your needs in future relationships will be, then carry on.
The best revenge is not a new relationship to flaunt in your ex’s face, or whatever you think will make the person regret leaving you. The best revenge is release. Eventually, let that person and the relationship have ZERO effect on your emotional state – release him/her with kindness & peace & walk into the new chapter of your life. Let go because what is meant for you will never pass you, my love.
What is coming is better than what is gone.
Ask yourself what beauty will I create with space they no longer occupy?
The breakups I’ve gone through ended up being the catalyst that helped me reach my goals and dreams. I had more time to focus on myself and I chose to fill my life with new experiences, travel, beauty & healthier relationships.
*Originally Published on NarleyK
As a 21-year-old millennial woman, I was excited to start off this article by sharing all the statistics and success stories of our fellow millennials dominating the entrepreneurship sphere. I mean, social media – yes just like Nicki Minaj called out Miley Cyrus, I’m calling out Instagram and Twitter for creating this fairytale of entrepreneurship being a norm amongst millennials when it’s not. I’m not saying it’s nonexistent but according to Score.org we’re less likely to follow through on becoming an entrepreneur. The interesting part is, 78% of us equate it to success and 62% considered starting a business. Mentally, we’re more entrepreneurial than past generations, we just don’t have much to show for.
Our primary setbacks are student loans and our lack of taking risks whether that is because our parents, especially if they’re immigrants conditioned us to be “practical” or the prices of cost of living. When womanhood is added, society alone tries to limit us from living our best lives.
Now, I bet you’re wondering where the Christian millennial woman has a place in all this. Girl, there’s a place in every market, demographic and area of expertise. I know the statistics makes it look like a place for tumbleweeds and not faith but that is where you back away and allow God to come in. A disclaimer before I carry on is there is nothing wrong with working for someone or having a “regular” job because our careers don’t define us, our proximity to Christ does, and therefore our character does too. As I was doing my research, majority of the sources acknowledged us for being genuine, more educated than past generations, innovative, creative, charitable and devoted to a life of a learning versus a life of wages. My observation is, the only thing we lack in is the fear of failure, but who can blame us?
First things first, God already has a plan for you, “thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV). As we all know, God created us with a plan to conquer anything through the power of love. His greatest commandment is for us to love Him with all our heart and to show that same grace and mercy towards others and ourselves. Entrepreneurship is a tool to help us get there while making a steady income. What’s great about God is He’s going to give you something your passionate about even if you’re unqualified. Here 7 tips to align your entrepreneurship endeavors with God’s will:
- Your business is a ministry.
As Christians, we live for Christ. Your business needs to live for the same thing. There needs to be problem you are solving whether that be creating a restaurant in an overlooked neighborhood to give them an option to having affordable wholefoods or making natural cosmetics. Be very direct on what you can accomplish. A mission statement and SWOT analysis shouldn’t be taken lightly, however don’t be concerned if you have to change them. Just make sure all your decisions are Holy Spirit led; don’t overcomplicate things.
- Don’t trip on yourself.
Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”. Even if you’re broke, don’t have a degree or anything to fall back on, if God has called you start a business, you better work with what you do have and stop wallowing in what you don’t. Also setup a savings account for resources you may need, cut back on costs, ask for help, do research in your market and find out what your customers and/or audience need.
- No market is off limits…within reason.
I thank God for DeVon Franklin because he is the first Christian I heard who is successful in film production while standing his ground in maintaining his duty to God. Not every market is for Christians; just use discernment and common sense to figure that one out. Perhaps if you don’t see Christians in a particular industry, it’s because you are the one to break that barrier. If God trusts you to do it, why are you limiting yourself?
- God, Family, Ministry.
Your first priority should be God. When you work on your relationship with God by becoming familiar with His word and following through with it, simultaneously you’re also loving on and caring for yourself because who knows you better than your Creator? Major key: God cares about your soul more than your ministry. Second is family, make sure your family is good before you advocate for others. Then ministry.
I’m a Christian Seventh-day Adventist; I follow the Sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown), which means no work for the purpose of profit, I don’t cook or do house chores. I spend 24 hours resting from the complications of the world. I use it to read the Word uninterrupted, fellowship and exhale. Scientists say it leads to breaking toxic sleep cycles, restores your mental health due to stress, become more productive during the week to name a few. It’s also an act of faith to tell God, “You got this”! Also spend time taking risks, take a trip, go out with friends, and love your family.
- You better love yourself to health.
There’s mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health we need to keep up with. This may sound like a bold statement but I believe mental health is number one because it sets the tone for all the others. Millennials struggle more than past generations. In Canada, millennial women are the 2nd in the three high-risk groups for mental health issues. To maintain your mental health you should eat clean, drink lots of water, create healthy boundaries between yourself and your vices including every relationship you have, exercise at least three times a week to your comfort level, spend time in nature, set attainable short term then reach for the stars for long term goals and show love and allow yourself to be loved. Also read the Bible every morning, pray, journal and stretch!
- Use your schmoney wisely.
When money is funny and change is strange girl, give. Make sure you tithe and give offerings because the only thing you have to lose is the opportunity in gaining. Save for your passion project, pay your bills on time, if you don’t need it and barely want let the store keep it so you’ll have money for recreational things that will fulfill you.
That’s all! My last piece of advice is don’t police yourself. If you mess up here and there just get back up. And remember, you can only be a failure if your business becomes your idol. Don’t get caught up on what social media masquerades millennial entrepreneurship to be because now you know it’s mainly alternative news. Stop desiring entrepreneurship and finally take the steps to become an entrepreneur!
Self-sabotage is the #1 anxiety reliever for millennial women.
Self-sabotage is the fear that our best isn’t good enough, so in order to avoid this anxiety and potential disappointment, we choose to freeze, stall, neglect, forget, and delay ourselves.
Even for me, I almost didn’t write this article. I almost sabotaged a perfectly good opportunity to be seen, heard & connected with. All things I actually want and desire, but another strange part of me simultaneously fears.
This is something many of us don’t like to admit. A lot of us sabotage the fruition of our own dreams because we fear the person we would have to become in order to live them.
Whether its fear of judgement, looking stupid, failing at something we love, or not feeling “good enough”, we often struggle to get out of our own way.
Self-sabotage occurs when your conscious mind (the logical one that tells you to brush your teeth or download all of SZA’s music) is fighting with your subconscious mind (the lazy one that accidentally sleeps through your alarm or scrolls on Instagram for hours to avoid homework or cleaning your room).
That disconnect -that clash of needs and wants- manifests itself in self-sabotaging behavior. Getting drunk the day before a big presentation, forgetting to reply to emails, not planning a busy day properly, missing submission deadlines for a competition you know you’d be great for, the list goes on!
It’s all our subconscious way of preventing disappointment and coping with fear.
Even though I’ve been a fashion model for 4 years now, owning my passion at first was often uncomfortable for me. I felt awkward when people asked me if I was a model and wanted to quickly minimize my achievements. I’ve been published in Vogue Italy and featured in Maxim USA’s web series called ‘What Beautiful Women Want’, before all that I competed in a beauty pageant and that’s where I got my start.
Not owning your story is also a form of self-sabotage.
I didn’t want people to know about my talents or aspirations because I feared that I would have to prove myself and not measure up. Or if I failed, more eyes would be on me and I’d feel more embarrassed.
But in reality, who are we not to express our highest, creative selves? Who are we to not share our light, beauty, or truth, especially when others notice it and want to support or celebrate it?
Over the past few years I’ve reviewed my own self-sabotaging patterns and worked hard to call them out and change my subconscious beliefs. I used the power of self-love to claim my right to shine!
Now when I catch any habits of the Sabotage Squad sneaking into my life, I clap back & ask them to take a seat while I go forward & be great!
So, what does it really take to move in the direction of your dreams, without all the internal drama?
Here are 3 Self-Love Secrets from a former Self-Sabotaging Beauty Queen:
- Find yourself.
To begin to make progress, it’s important that you find the areas where you are practicing self-sabotage. Look at the various areas of your life, such as finances, health, career and relationships. Determine which areas you need to kick the sabotage squad of out of.
- Choose to accept or change yourself.
Accept that you’re afraid of success! It means you that you really do care about your future. But then sit with your fears for a minute.
Can you live with not having your dreams come true? Will your family and friends actually dislike you if you pursue your passion? Maybe you’ll find your tribe as you pursue your goals, maybe you really are great photographer, writer, event planner and the world is just waiting for you to show up!
Thankfully, fears are not fixed. Start to question the actuality of your fears. Or accept that you’re scared and prefer to stay safe. That’s okay too! Accept that you’re not ready, but do your best to get ready!
- Love yourself & courageously commit to change.
Now that you’ve changed your beliefs around your fears, summon up all the courage within you and commit to pursuing your goals drama-free. Write your to-do list and love yourself enough to move in the direction of your dreams, one step at a time.
These steps have helped me remove mental blocks and get a hold of my self-sabotaging patterns. I know it’s so much easier to play small sometimes. To continuously quit before even trying. To squander our talents and procrastinate.
We ruin our chances at success and happiness by not raising our hands, speaking up, showing up, and sharing our unique brilliance with the world.
Our anxieties and fears might be temporarily alleviated by self-sabotage, but practicing self-love is the cure that allows us to show up on time fearlessly for our dreams.
To your self-love and happiness,
Self-Love & Confidence Coach